All-mighty

I didn’t end up going for the trek, after all. Many reasons, fell sick, got worried about someone sick, emotionally not ready, to name a few.

I thought I would feel really bad about it, but strangely I didn’t. Sure, I decided, worked towards it, something else, happened that I had not anticipated and I quit.

For me it felt right in my heart and body.

But then I had a conversation with someone, who made it sound as if I had “Failed”,

And I was reminded of a few other things I had “failed at”.  And slowly the conversation, moved towards the word “Achievement”. Ofcourse, Failing meant there was an expectation of achievement – understandable. And quitting meant failing.

I know this line of thought. I used to think like this for years, and sometimes still do.

I made a mental note to re-read and send this article I had written years ago on “Quitting, is understated”

It was synchronous, because just a couple of days ago in a workshop, to the question of “who of us is fuelled by achievement” , the only person who stayed out of the circle was me .

And so this got me thinking… The achievement thing, has never been “My cup of tea”. mostly I did things because they gave me joy or some sense of purpose. It does not mean Not to achieve, it just means not be driven by it.

I wondered where we go so tied up and affected by “Achievement”, what does that mean, deep down.

Does it mean, I am now respected, accepted, seen heard, belonged? And if yes, by whom? and to what? And what is the price that we are paying for this achievement.

Whether it is professionally, personally relationally emotionally…even spiritually.

Who set these goals? And what happens at the end of that road?

Somehow we seem to have bought into –  when I ____, then I will Be _____ algorithm.

The cost, certainly seems like the peace of mind, relationships and health for sure.

Maybe we got conditioned into it, I thought.

And as if to help me, my brother unexpectedly, came to see me, and when he was about to leave he said, let’s pray. And so, just like we did when we were kids, on autopilot, doing like we were drilled to do by our nana, we clasped our hands, closed our eyes and started , “Almighty God..” ..and the well-remembered prayer, in sing song voice, started.

and then suddenly…

I had a sudden panic moment just then, when I remembered the St Michaels church we used to go to where we did this. I was in the Past. – Not in the present.

Wait ..what? Wasn’t prayer meant to help you be more in the present? I felt like I was 10 yrs old again. 

And suddenly, My eyes opened,  wide, even as Levi continued to pray. Ahem !! in a sing song voice.

Almighty !! the word somehow for the first time felt hot and ominous as I was hit with it’s meaning 

Almighty – meaning,  one who has all might and power. Omnipotent.

And so, as my mind stumbled, if “he/she” had ALL the power, what was I left with? No wonder I felt like a child again. And was this what we unconsciously endeavoured toward, being omnipotent.  

Was this the underlying struggle for Power? For which we hurt, insulted, and even killed each other?

Being Almighty?  – Was this what Achievement all about? – Power?

I wondered about the tribals who I have spent so much time with, who pray to Trees and Nature. And , Oh!! What a difference in perspective that is.

This tree, plant, river – is NOT Almighty.

It is not omnipotent and powerful. It changes, blossoms, grows, takes help,  gets sick, withers and dies. It’s NOT Perfect. And it’s still Beautiful. It’s vulnerable.

And certainly not trying to “Achieve” anything. And so the people who pray endeavour to be like that. It made me think of the word Vulnerable. And how close it was to “Venerable.”

Dictionary meaning: To accorded a great deal of respect, especially because of age, wisdom, or character.

Perhaps we have gotten some fundamental assumption wrong? maybe we made a mistake in translation perhaps?

Maybe we don’t need an “ALL Mighty” figure. And then in turn feel powerless. But to turn in an see we are perfect just the way we are.

Like nature.  There is No comparison.

Maybe if we had less  aspiration for being “Venerable leaders/saints/ figures in authority” and more Vulnerable ones we may actually be able to realise the power that we all have. And not make it into a zero sum game. And stop manipulating, hurting and killing each other.

Imagine, addressing someone as “Vulnerable so and so” instead of “Venerable so and so” . I already want to try it out 🙂

And Be kind to ourselves and others. And to really know, “God” is not conditional. “He” suffered too. And yet he was kind. And I know, it’s not easy to be Kind always. Especially when we are hurt. and perhaps that is the journey of knowing ..god, though Kindness.

Kindness – Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.