Last evening was difficult. I was called to hold space in the form of an Empathy circle for some people from Russia and Ukraine.
It was heart Wrenching. To hear the words from both sides, they said and felt the same. Fearful, sad, angry, hopeless, confused, apathetic, numbed, uncertain, patriotic. And yet they were here, in this circle, voluntarily.
To find a place to rest, to speak to be heard, where their feelings were not a problem to be fixed. Or a slogan to be written, or a white paper on the inner workings of a war. These were people who had families, dreams, hopes and struggles. And who somehow were caught in the cross fires of war.
As we sat, with two interpreters , one Russian and one Ukrainian. The space was filled quickly with words and tears and people vulnerably sharing.
It felt like there was no way out in the beginning. Most were asking how do I get out of this, when will we go back to life as it was “normal”, why is this happening to us. How do I deal with this uncertainty.
I had no answers. And strangely no questions. I had tears and Silence.
And yet somehow we managed to speak and to listen to different people. And see beyond the words and nationalism.
Beyond the hurts and fears and confusion, in very short glimpses. But it was there.
Slowly we started to feel less apathetic and resigned. And a very tiny sliver of hope in the present. For the sake of the future. There were suddenly no “Sides”
Wars do serve a purpose. I thought.
They make us look at the war within. They make us realise we are not as “pure hearted as we imagined ourselves to be. There was a strange freedom in that. We also wage wars inside, when we go against something, or feel “as if you could kill”. Or be present to the inner battles. Wars show us just how much we care about our land. Just how much freedom means to us, once it is threatened. Just how much we are willing to be courageous for the sake of our people.
“Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.”
Pope John Paul
Some people left Ukraine and things that they loved behind – this was courage
Some stayed right there, and decided not to leave their land – this was courage
Some left and came back – This was also, courage.
We realised, there was very little anyone would do about the war outside. But we still had the choice to end that war in the hearts – This would need courage.
It would take contemplation.
And contemplation was like suspending the “normal “, habitual, learnt paths of thoughts and action.
This kind of Contemplation was an act of Rebellion.
And rebellion was needed.
To rebel against the automatic paths the minds take toward feeling wronged and wanting to hurt.
To rebel against the need to justify anger.
To rebel against the minds spiral of feeling it was all over, and there was no use in doing anything.
To rebel against the way we tell the story of what is going on, to our children and friends and share on whatsapp, in a way that polarises, and creates an “Us” and a “Them”.
To rebel against the way we play victim, as if we had no part to play in this.
To rebel against the impotent waiting for some “messiah” to show up to save us, as we give up agency.
To rebel against the, pushing down of the wave of compassion that arises unchecked, long before the mind labels people based on numerous things.
Yes, We needed contemplative rebellion.
This kind of rebellion is not a “Nobel act”
This is a selfish act. It’s an act that does what ought to be done for healing the future that our children will walk into. In these moments we have a role to play, all of us, in how we hold the stories in our minds and hearts. And how we MUST go Beyond.
Beyond the national borders and identities. Beyond the Us and Them. Beyond the single stories we heard repeatedly of who we are and they are. Beyond who we believe we are and are not. and rest in the suspension..just for a moment even.
It’s important because without this, we are all part of the war.
This is where the Sufis kept telling us to find that place inside us, where these division don’t exists. It’s NOT easy.
I know yesterday I had to struggle to go to that place, where the labels of Russians, Indian, Ukranians were non-existent. I had to find places where I do have a war within. Where I do have judgements, where I other, where I feel intense anger and hate, and feel like a victim and a perpetrator. And I had to sit and pray for grace to show me how to “Go Beyond”. I can say with all honesty, it was not upto me, and I had to take help from the universe. And I had to find some third place, a place beyond, where there was just humanity and in that struggle we were all one. Wanting to desperately be part of a community that was wanting to be whole.
In the end, as we closed the circle, there was connection and simplicity. People just wanted to cook for their families in their home. Hold hands and walk, without the sweating caused by anxiety.
In the end people just wanted to be heard and seen. And reminded that it was ok, to not be ok. That it was not over, till it was over. That they were not just people who the world had forgotten. That what was happening within their hearts and mind was also felt by many others around the world
This somehow gave a bigger container to hold. A place atleast in their mind they could go beyond.
Someone said, they would now just focus on growing some vegetables in their house. Some said they would sing everyday for a few minutes as a family. Some said they would dance. Some said they would try to reach out to others.
We closed with St Francis prayer, Make me a channel of your Peace.
And I for one am grateful I could be one in these times. I am able to see my rebellion in a different light now. I am able to see how my definitions of Freedom have changed over the years.
As I sit in contemplation and getting ready for my sufi singing class in a few hours I feel the war dust settle down a bit and I imagine, somewhere far away in tiny pockets in some peoples heart the dust also settles a little bit. And I feel grateful for this journey.
9 Comments