Day 21 : Courage

I have been thinking and wondering about Courage and its relationship with Truth. And how both stem from a sense of care or kindness which is not weak but strong. One that gives courage. We have seen this in animals often, even a seemingly docile giraffe or frog can turn around and find the courage to attack its predator, when its own is attacked.

We have an instinct for care and an innate longing for community. This longing helps us find courage buried deeply in our bones, dormant but not dead. Waiting bidding for the right time.

There is something to be said about sensing the right timing.

Not timed right, this longing for a community and purpose is so powerful that it drives us to join movements, cults, relationships, or systems that to the wounded, needy and divided ‘us’  gives a surrogate sense of belonging. I have been there done that. In the search for meaning and membership we fall prey to illusions. And buy into the ‘membership’ by paying the price of leaving many parts of us at the door. Courage being one of them,

Courage to question – To say yes – to say no – to be vulnerable – to speak the truth – to question THE truth – to sense deeply – to trust the sense – to flow into the unknown – to thrive in the uncertainty – to love – to grieve – to despair – to hope.

Courage is taking the risk, without knowing the outcome. It’s what is needed when we jump into the unknown.

Grandma Story time…

I remember, When I was five years old and Growing up with my grandma, once we got a call from her older sister, who lived about 2 hrs away. She had never married and had an adopted son, who was married and had twin daughters who were about my age. She was burned.

When we reached the hospital, my grand aunt said she would like to give a statement. The next day before giving the statement she passed away.

There was foul play. The adopted son and daughter in law were involved. Then all hell broke loose. My grandma was also a social activist, The son was imprisoned and court case began. We started to get threat calls to withdraw the case. But My grandma would not relent. Her point was the man did not have any remorse. He did not admit. It was unfair.

I remember at one time, there was a message thrown into our window with a stone. This is the stuff of movies but it happened. The message threatened my grandma that if she did not withdraw the case they would harm me. I used to walk to school. I remember  my grandma sitting me down and explaining all this to me. As if I could understand what was going on and perhaps that is why I did.  She told me about the letter without any kid gloves or lacing of the truth. She laid out the pros and cons  and gave me the choice. She suggested I go for a few weeks to stay with my parents till the hearing was done. If I chose to stay, I would have to forego school for sometime. What do you want to do? She asked me and waited. In that gap…I changed.

This simple and yet not so simple involving me in a decision treating me as an equal not just thrusting ‘out of concern’ a decision  – all this had a huge bearing on my sense of self and my ability to discern and make decision.

I was scared. And I chose to Stay. I suspect my courage woke up that day.

I learnt that Courage is not always fighting, sometimes it means to stay and not do anything, but feel everything. To feel the love that can tear you, to feel the grief that can drown you, to feel the anger that can burn you. And to let your heart break open. Courage does not mean you will not feel the fear in a very real way –It does not mean there will be clarity of knowing exactly what is going to happen, but you do it anyway, for the people you care for, for the things you care about, for your convictions.. You still listen to your heart and trust your gut. There must be a reason Courage has the words cage, rage and the french coeur meaning heart in it.

The story ended, with the man admitting his mistake in the court and so my grandma withdrew the charges. They had learnt the lesson she said, it was not about vengeance.

I Learnt it took courage to forgive as well.

We may shrink back from this courage many times, keep modifying our lens of truth to feel ‘safe’ -until at some point the soul says “Enough”, as we grow into our truth.  Our courage and rebellion can also be a sign of health.

“It is not a sign of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society “– J. Krishnamurthy.

Maybe we need to feel the courage and listen to what the soul wants, feel what is really important to us. Touch it tentatively. Say the things, even to ourselves which we have been holding back. See the things we have blocked from knowing because of the pain. To know that perhaps the ONLY real way one can start to be of any help is to feel. You can’t heal what you can’t feel. It’s the only antidote to going numb. Imagine if we hurt our foot and did not feel the pain, we would not know anything about it and so not do anything about it.

Perhaps as we start this holy war that we are fighting with all the different parts of ourselves we may start to finally alter the moprhic field of the world. And not project it on to the countries and people who are fighting that, sometimes, on our behalf. Perhaps sitting where we are we can still act with courage to finally face ourselves and go through the fire, so that people,  countries, forest don’t have to burn. It is an act of deep service. Albeit an unseen, under appreciated form for sure. But it is.

I remember this hymn which we heard in a church in the Meghalaya years ago.

May we find to Courage to get out of the Bud and Bloom.