Sitting by the sea and watching the waves is one of the things that grounds me, calms me down. I guess it’s true for many, judging by the number of people who are attracted to the Ocean .
I find the Ocean, calming, intriguing and mysterious. I sat yesterday, just before sunset. Watching the sun light play with the water. The shimmering dance of light where the two meet was mesmerising and blinding, I could not really see the waves. I slipped into a reverie, listening to some song – when it ended, and when I again noticed, it had turned dark. In the few moments that it took for my eyes and mind to readjust I noticed somehow, with no light I could ‘see’ the waves. As they rose, grew and finally broke into a white foam…White and beautiful, against the dark waters -they were Visible. I was intrigued at this, counter intuitive seeing.
The stark white of the wave, made me realise how, all the while, while it is part of the ocean it’s indistinguishable in its different colours, grey, blue, black, even fancy turquoise sometimes, depending on the environment, the time of the day, the mood of the sky etc. But, all waves, no matter the geography, turn white when they are breaking.
They are ‘seen’ when they become the same colour How intriguing.
I found that fascinating. It also reminded me how similar we, as humans are to the waves. While they are on their absolute last leg of the journey of their identity as a wave – they turn white.
White – I also have long standing fascination for this colour. White has many symbolism, peace, purity, cleanliness, holy – and also death, pain and ghosts. Technically speaking, it gives off all the colours. White is an intangible colour – It hides nothing.
I find this so analogous to life and death. Not just physical, but also the death of an identity and the real struggle we have with it. With letting go of, who I believe I AM. And the price we pay to hold on to it.
As I grow at least in my imagination, I find the pull to remain the same ‘identities’ less forceful, boring and even less appealing and yet with some, very hard to let go. When I am asleep or numb certainly.
Just yesterday, as I was sitting on the side walk on the grass, and looking at the ocean, while a lot of people were walking jogging strolling – I noticed many would invariable look ‘down’ obviously since I was sitting down, and continue to look as if it was, stage display – as if I was an inanimate object, as if I could not see they were seeing… Phew !!! I was not alone but this behaviour was similar for others as well.
I felt this sudden rising ‘wave’ of familiar anger, and with it very quicky came the rushing ‘activist’ identity. One which took offence at the drop of a hat. And felt justified in doing so. It would go on something like.. Who the hell gave these people permission to stare like this, how rude, how unjust, etc etc. and before I knew it I would be ready to fight “injustice’. How quickly I think an innocuous act or an unchecked thought would turn into a full blown war inside of me. Sigh!! This Activist identity has and is taking a long time to die.
Yesterday I watched as this rose, and not finding too much traction, thankfully. The impulse died. But between these two moments of rising and falling, I had to do something. I had to, like the wave, break, die, bite the dust, turn white, surrender to the ocean. Not identify with it.
This would happen eventually anyway, I know that from experience, so why not fast forward the growth process, more efficient, me thinks
One of my practice hacks I call “Turn Tables” – that helps me “break into white”, is , In that moment I turn tables in my mind. Jog my ‘convenient memory’ – try very hard to remember when had “I” behaved just like that. It’s not easy. It burns my cheeks, and I find my breath turned hot, when I remember. I have also done the exact same things many times, and risk slipping into doing, if I am nowt awake. My “good intentions’ don’t matter.
This realization, then lets me see a point of view that was hidden, by my ego. And the anger, offence dissipates. Some days it is quicker other days it take a lot of work internally. Those hard days the ocean helps.
I wonder, If we are attracted to the ocean and the waves, because we resonate with this constant process of breaking and flowing inside us. This dance of dark and light. of rising and falling.
We use this analogy in motivational ways, when we talk of the wave rising. But what about the fall. Isn’t that an inevitable part of the story of the waves journey. We use this as metaphor, I was overcome by waves of grief, second wave, wave of applause, wave of relief. We even have wave equations. Metaphors are powerful if we see them closely.
It makes me ponder, why do we often only glorify some aspects of our nature and not others, do these then perpetuate as shadows that ‘some people’ who are visibly fighting wars, have to then carry?.
What if we also talked about breaking, and falling, and death in a way that was not taboo, or shamed. Talk about failure not just success, fear, heartbreak, grief openly, and not separate them. So that these things didn’t have to become so big and inundate us.
Learning to let go – is the same as learning to let the Light in
A memory comes wafting in. Years ago walking the streets of homes in Leh Ladakh, I saw in the yards of peoples homes, some dome like structures strewn around. At first I thought they were “stupas”, things for prayers. When I asked, one lady, she casually told me oh that is my father. I was taken aback. On asking she told me some of these were tombs. I was shocked. She told me in a matter of fact way, my father lived with me in the house over here , why should we leave him somewhere else in death. Wow !! I had never thought of it like that.
The other thing she said was, the ladakis, build tombs close to where they live, their homes, as a visual reminder of death, and the impermanence of life and the choice therefore of living fully in the moment. It helps you not fear death, she said.
I came away from that place ,with many “beliefs broken”– It made me think of how we, have such a ‘stark separation’ between life and death. No wonder we have such a difficult time ‘breaking’.
“When we learn how to die we learn how to live” – Morrie
What if we, like the waves, surrenderer to the process and learnt to not make a big deal of the ‘identity’ breaking? What if we looked at life and death not as ‘events’ but as an ongoing process. Like the cycles of nature. As a doulah, I have been very privileged to witness death, and the light of clarity, that emanates in those moments. My point is we don’t have to wait for a final event to die. If we choose, like nature, to die many times before that. Dying and living BOTH take Courage and shift in perspectives.
Would we be more patient with each other and ourselves. Would we learn to be present and grateful for the times we do have? Would we take more risk with taking on ‘other identities’ and letting some go. Would we have more kindness with ‘those’ , of who we shall not speak – knowing we are also like that. Would we have a way to collectively ‘transform’ identifies, from taker to givers, from consumers to producers.
Afterall all, as I learnt more about the waves I found, as they grow, the waves become more unstable, with the force of gravity tugging at their tallest, weakest points. This causes the crests of the waves to break apart into a mass of droplets and bubbles, which scatter the surrounding light in every direction, creating the familiar white crest of a breaking wave.
The waves, at the point of breaking let light through, and become it. And so for once they become visible in the dark. I pray we remember this, when we are at those points. And let light take over.
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