Yesterday while randomly browsing through a mall, I happened to see a sight which is not too uncommon, and yet it’s kind of sweet. One man was sitting or trying to, with his two boisterous little boys, just outside the women’s fitting room. His wife was trying different clothes, the kids were trying his patience, while he was trying desperately not to draw attention to himself. And failing miserably.
If it was not so painful to see him struggle, it would have been amusing. The two boys must be about 6 and 4, perhaps. And they were, jumping, and shouting and playing, maybe just to let out all the pent up energy, of what looked like a long time, judging by the pile of clothes. Waiting is not easy at any age, I think to myself.
I was curious to see what all will this man do now.
He picked them and held them tightly, one on each side, he was a big man, he could. It was a funny sight, they looked like two little dogs, he was holding them like that, one on each side. Of course it didn’t last long, the boys wiggled out.
Started screaming again…
Next, he tried pleading, “beta pleeeasssee don’t shout so loudly” – I wasn’t sure how they could shout quietly, but anyway.
Screams continue, now with variation of other sounds and moves.
His eyes were darting everywhere, and desperately trying to make eye contact with the sales people in that division, to apologise. Guilt was writ large all over his face. Guilt, and now some shame had started to creep in…
The staff categorically avoided making eye contact, so that he should not feel more like that.
How thoughtful of them I thought. I was now fully in on the unfolding drama…and suspense!!!
Our man now moves to tactic no 3 . He stood up and towered over the two boys, I was a bit afraid he would be rough with them. He stared down at them and said, “If you continue to shout like this, ‘these people’ – he randomly pointed in the general direction of the store, will come and lock you up. And they will never let us come to this store ever again– is that what you want? – and then some more.. and then Mumma will be very sad.
Silence…the boys suddenly stopped.
The entire floor suddenly became quiet. I was shocked.
The boys looked confused and unsure now, all their boisterous energy suddenly dropped, they looked wary and even scared as they looked at the store trying to see ‘These People’. I could almost visualize, fear shame guilt, as a semi dark smoke coming out of the Man and entering these two beautiful innocent children.
Somehow they knew, these “them”, could see them, even though they could not. And they would be punished by these invisible people and somehow be responsible for their mumma’s sadness. The Invisible enemy was created.
I felt a rising fury inside me and heart breaking sadness, I wanted to scream at the Man to STOP !! and had half a mind to confront this guy. But I practiced deep breathing instead – I must have grown up I think to myself.
My mind went to these two boys and like a fast forward movie I could see one possible version of this story unfolding.
The life of these little boys seems forever turned on that hinge. The black smoke of fear would be with them everywhere now. Just Imagine.. these little boys now had the burden of making sure the store allowed their parents in, keep themselves safe from the locked room, and keep Mumma happy. Somehow these three things may become their preoccupation in life.
Occupational hazzard...
Somehow these could not be like the many clothes their mumma was trying and discarding. I wished they could do that too. With this fear and punishment story – Which was NOT True At all. How we lie unknowingly.
But I know it was not so easy. Especially when someone close, someone you fully trust, like their father, in this case, says something like that , children believe it to be ‘The Truth’. This then becomes their own voice inside their head.
I quickly said a prayer for them.Fervently.
This is how, children get introduced to the Four Invisible People. Four because that is how it is referred to, colloquially and otherwise.
“Char log kya kahenge” – “What will four people think”
I sighed and slowly walked out. My mind churning, heart heavy.
I also know, It wasn’t the man’s fault, the way he kept looking apologetically, perhaps he was also remembering the same dialogue –“What will four people think”
Growing up I heard this many times, and still do
Don’t walk like that, don’t eat like that, sit with your legs crossed, don’t run, don’t jump, don’t become friends with your clients, don’t ask so many questions, don’t laugh so loud, don’t cry like this – Don’t this Don’t that. What will four people think – Behave Yourself.
It’s exhausting – ALL these Voices in our head. No wonder then we cannot hear our own inner voice or the soft gentle voices of nature around.
Often Behave Yourself – is a code for Behave like I want you to.
I remember once my class 8 English teacher, Ms. Fernandez, was furious with me. She shouted, “Jo behave yourself”. She had a slight pause after behave, and I saw an entry right there. I am behaving – “Myself” – meaning like me, How else can I be?I said cheekily
Needless to say I was not her favourite student. I was lucky, English was my favourite subject.
How often we go through so much of self-imposed inhibitions, wear clothes that are not comfortable, do things that are unfulfilling, say things we don’t really mean “how are you – great” , eat what you don’t feel like, do jobs that don’t bring joy, live in places that we know are killing us, and in general try to “fit in” –so we suffer, feel miserable, resentful, uncomfortable, not ourselves – all because?? – These “Four People”
We stop behaving like Ourselves. We become slowly and surely Inauthentic.
I have seen and heard this being said in different languages, in different cultures and in different countries even. It is universal. I have been curious to find out
Who are these mysterious, invisible – ‘Four people” ?
Just out of curiosity, I have stopped a few people a few times, when they say , “WW4PT” It ‘s too long to keep typing. They looked blankly at me, and I could hear ‘are you serious?”. Obviously they couldn’t point to anyone specific. Because they don’t really know. Who these Four people who dictate their lives, are. I am reminded of puppets on invisible strings.
I know of people who keep their partners, loved ones, beautiful poems, or art, even their philanthropy “A Secret” – Because of the same thing. Ofcourse its no secret that Secrets make us sick.
I was one of them. I published my book of poems after 10 years of struggle with the same thing.
I feel such deep sadness. That, the thing that brings us Joy must be kept hidden. Can you imagine If nature started to do the same thing how barren a world we would be in?
As I found out this can also, grow into “Cherophobia” a fear of happiness leading to the active avoidance of joyful situations. It comes from the Greek word “chairo”, which means “I rejoice”. It basically means that they are afraid to participate in anything fun.
A fear of happiness doesn’t necessarily mean that one is constantly living in sadness. It just means actively avoid being happy. Research says, it is rooted in early childhood experiences of a parent’s negative reaction to something that was joyful. Or a memory of an environment of punishment, or something unfortunate happening when something celebratory happened. It inadvertently becomes the label, ‘Kill Joy’. Research also says, It is treatable, like any other infection, by exposing oneself to the very thing that one is afraid of. In this case, Seek out and engage happiness inducing things, and avoid environment which reinforce the fear.
So deep rooted is this, that people even after knowing this still continue to be in situation and circumstance where this happens. Almost afraid to find out what may happen on the other side. The things we get used to…
I heard this in my house growing up, I am sure it is quite familiar the Superstition – “If you are too happy, soon you will have to cry”. – And its funny we don’t assume the opposite also.
What I am more amazed by is that we don’t seem to find ANY problem with this. It’s accepted like “Normal”
I have friends who are self-proclaimed atheists, and who subscribe to the WW4PT club. And so if I happen to mention God, there is a sudden uproar.They are very quick to point to ‘them’, and use the word “Society” in a general way. And I am given a long sermon, irony intended.
The question they ask me in exasperated tones, “Can you see him?”
My equally exasperated response is “Can you see them?” Duh!!!
And so just like that, we resign.
Each person enters the world “called,” like an oak tree, to fulfill their soul’s agenda. – James Hillman
It infuriates me sometimes because so many people just don’t express themselves, their gifts, their voice, their opinions, their confusions, their questions, their heartsong, just out of this fear. Their real Self is locked away in some dark cloudy corner.
My sister is one of them, She is a trained artist and a classical singer. And she has done some really beautiful oil paintings over the years. But she won’t put them out, or share with others. Because of WW4PS.
There are days when I feel helpless, and sometimes angry and often sad. Sad, because she suffers and herself not happy with this.
“Don’t die with your song still inside you” – Wayne Dyer
It is so difficult just to be yourself. We forfeit our Freedom for these Invisible four people. And slowly even forget – who we really are. And start to become Inauthentic
“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are.
You trade in your reality for a role.
You trade in your sense for an act.
You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask.
There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution,
on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
You can take away a man’s political freedom and you won’t hurt him-
unless you take away his freedom to feel.
That can destroy him.
That kind of freedom can’t be granted.
Nobody can win it for you.” – Jim Morrison
Yes, Being authentic means also being Vulnerable. It does mean some people will say things that will hurt. But that chance is there even if you don’t. And it does hurt a lot sometimes. But we have to learn to feel the grief and sadness, not hide behind shame and still keep moving.
At some point, I guess we have to ask ourselves, what cost are we paying by not expressing what our soul wants us to?. Will these Invisible Four people come when we are suffering?. And whose business are we busy minding? What people think is their business
My grandma would say, Everybody is free to think. Who are we to stop anyone from doing that. Can anyone stop you from thinking? -No. That stayed with me. But she would add Freedom is not free.
In my lived experience I know this statement to be true. And so I don’t assume a free lunch.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are – Carl Jung
Perhaps we need to take the masks off, and atleast try in small ways to be ourselves. Take the risk of being Happy or Sad – But BEING anyway. We take ourselves way too seriously. We also have an illusion that we are super significant and all other people, have only one job – to think about us, what we wear, what we eat, who we are seen with etc. Really??
Perhaps we confuse Important with Serious. We assume something is only important if it is serious.
Cry when you cry – laugh when you laugh. As Oscar Wilde says “Be yourself – Everyone else is taken”.
Maybe it’s time to do some reality check. Maybe we ask ourselves- Who would we be, what would we do or say if we weren’t not so afraid of these people.
Maybe we need to really think how the Fear of the four invisible people, is making us become Invisible. And start to get comfortable being ourselves, hopefully long before Four people are needed to carry us.
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