Yesterday I met a friend, Sreeni from Chennai, who I have known for a long time. And with whom I have had a love hate relationship, since we both also share the same birthdate. He is this tough cookie on the outside and a really soft caring person inside. Often misunderstood because of his tone. He sometime goes out of his way to hide that he cares so much about people. His wife Viji an equally beautiful person and a pillar of strength personified. The times I have visited his place she has fussed over and made my favourite sambar and rasam with much love, and other ingredients.
He had a meeting in Ahmedabad, and decided to drop in in Mumbai for a few hours just so we could meet. But when he came he had these big bags in his hand, he looked like Santa Claus. He came in and was so excited, with what he had gotten for me. I was curious. He made a huge ceremony of it.
He took a bottle of curry leaf mix to be had with rice, and then pudina, and a few other pickles. I was thrilled because I LOVE south Indian food and pickles especially. And I did not expect so many. Abundance!!There were seven bottles. One for each day of the week he emphasized. Sreeni would wait till I have gotten over my ohhh and aahhhhh, And then take the next one out. After all the bottles were out, there was this satiated silence. As I kept looking at the chutneys, he kept looking at me with kind eyes. He then went on to tell me the long story, some I swear felt a bit dramatized, He is a natural storyteller, how he had managed to get it all at the airport. Phew!!
As conversation moved and we chatted about life, work, children, good things, challenges and common friends. It felt really nice. After a couple of hours he left.
And I was left with the warm aftermath, just what I needed after a really rough morning. I felt cared for, special, and extremely grateful. That not only did he take a not so convenient detour but also remembered what I like and got lots of it.
Just two weeks, ago I had two other friends from Pune, Kiran and Krishna, come over, who also got exactly the things I like, organic stuff. etc.
One of the things I am super grateful for in my life is my friends. Only in writing these blogs It has become apparent. Someone I am coaching, and who regularly reads the blogs, asked me recently, “how many friends do you have?” – While I was still reflecting she gushed, in almost every blog you are mentioning your friends.
True I thought.. I never really realized how many friends I have.
In her book, Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond. Lydia Denworth emphasizes.. “ friendships can help us find purpose and meaning, stay healthy, and live longer. The intimacy, support, equality, and emotional bonds we have in our friendships are unique”
I could not agree more.
In friendship we meet ourselves without fear
Aristotle an ancient Greek philosopher and scientist who is considered to be one of the greatest thinkers in psychology and ethics. One of his famous quotes is “Friendship is essentially a partnership.’
In Book Seven of Aristotle’s Ethics, Aristotle expresses that he would like to discuss friendship (1154b 30). The Ethics touches upon a plethora of subjects that are connected to the moral character of man. I am sure he meant person, When Aristotle decided to address the topic of friendship.
In reading I came across this word – Phillia in Nicomachean Ethics
The Nicomachean Ethics is the a collection of ten books of Aristotle’s best-known wors on ethics.. The title is often assumed to refer to his son Nicomachus, to whom the work was dedicated. Alternatively, the work may have been dedicated to his father, who was also called Nicomachus. Humm Aristotle took, like father – like son literally.
Anyway…I digress
“Philia” from Ancient Greek (philía)), often translated “highest form of love”, is one of the four ancient Greek words for love: philia, storge, agape and eros. In Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, philia is usually translated as “friendship” or affection. The complete opposite is called a phobia. Interesting
The connection he makes is the Moral character, ethics and being Good.. has a strong connection to friends and friendship
“A man is known by the company he keeps”. – Aesop
According to Aristotle, he classifies friendship into three different types:
- Friendships of Utility
- Friendships of Pleasure
- Friendships of the Good
Friendships of utility are those where people are on friendly terms mainly due to the benefits each brings to the table.
I think I do have a couple of such. It’s hard though, I find I call them acquaintance. Somehow I just don’t like the word ‘use’
Friendships of pleasure are those where people find each other because of the enjoyment it brings. People hanging out due to common hobbies, interest shared enjoyed interest.
I have a few more in the category. Like my friends from my dance, some school friends , where we just hang out and enjoy nostalgia, Some are friends who love and enjoy drumming or signing, some are thinking friend where we just enjoy a good academic exploration just for the fun of it. I guess there isn’t much of emotional investment.
Friendships of the Good, are most important among all the three types of friendship. These are friendships based upon respect, appreciation for each other’s qualities, and a strong will to aid and assist the other person because one recognizes their greatness.
I have many in this category. Infact some time back, someone asked me, “who is your best friend”. And I had a hard time zeroing down.
Friendship of the good are hard to find and develop. If you happen to have more than a handful of friends based on goodness, one is indeed blessed. As my grandma used to say, “a friend will tell you what you want to hear, but a good friend will always tell you what you need to hear”.. My son holds the same View.
Just yesterday, when I was having a really hard time holding my grief, I reached out to 3 friends, starting as early at 8 am. Spoke to them just poured my heart out cried for a long time, shared my feeling of helplessness, with all the mind numbing violence, spoke about God and his message, and felt must lighter.
“A hunted man sometimes wearies of distrust and longs for friendship.”
– Aragorn, J.R.R. Tolkien, ‘The Lord Of The Rings’
I am cognizant as I write this, that I had 3 people who I could just call and do this. Indeed this is special. and don’t take it for granted. We have in these times of isolation, and fragmentation, a deep need to connect and be witnessed.
I feel ever so grateful to God for friends like these with who I feel I can share anything and be utterly vulnerable and who wont give me “advice” or gyan. But just let me be. Who care and are there, proactively supporting.
It is not easy, nurturing friendship. And Somedays I find myself stretched, when I am overwhelmed and cannot connect. Initially some friends got offended and took that personally. I had to really try hard to explain. But we move forward through all this.
I feel one of the things in these kinds of friendship is the Intention is never questioned. The corollary is also true. When at the drop of a hat the intention is question, there is no trust and there can never be a friendship.
I have had such a fall out also. It saddens me to think of what was once a beautiful friendship, but because of hearsay it withered. As they say, “when your ears are light – your heart is heavy.
Another friend Sushma, has this weird connection, even though we don’t really speak as often, and she just knows when I am going through a rough phase and reaches out.
Some friendship are so amazing. That even when we have not spoken for months and sometimes years, when we do, we just pick it up from there. It’s as if no time has passed. One such friend is my best friend from from college, Guneet. She is also somebody who does not mince words when telling me something.
Another dear friend Leela, she and I share this really strong emotional and spiritual connection. Even when we don’t end up speaking as often I feel I can lean back into her holding space. For me she my graceful friend. I have never seen anyone be able to carry glitz as gracefully as her.
That F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is such a popular sitcom even after all these years is a definite sign.
I have also found out that Friendship is not a function of time and space. Sometimes someone you have briefly met can strike a deep chord. Like my friend Quanita. We both feel our mothers plotted in heaven to bring us together. I know she can hold me in places where it is dark and deep.
Age – No Bar. One of my closest friends Nupur, or Nu is 18 years younger and yet I have some of my best insightful conversations with her. I love her a lot.
And some even after years still nurture it with love.
One such touching incident that I remember was last year, when I was in the middle of a sculpting self session. And I got a few missed calls from my friend Sandeep. Sandy and I are friends for last 27 years. After my divorce and moving out of that location we kind of lost touch. They(the group of 3-4 friends and their families) continued to meet and be in touch. He sounded frantic and asked if I can go to Lonavala, where he and others were meeting. This place is three hours journey from my house. I panicked thinking of the worst. As much as I kept asking, he refused to tell me. I left immediately. On reaching the bungalow, my heart beating, palms sweating..I entered. It was all too quiet. As soon as I entered, Volga, Sandy’s wife came rushing out hugged me and started to cry..I still did not get it. Then came the other two friends wives, and through all the tights hugs and sobs, they told me that all of them were suddenly missing me, and she, Volga insisted on seeing me. I also started crying. I wasn’t sure what exactly to feel.. relieved it was nothing that I had imagined nobody was dying, angry at Sandy for all the agonizing suspense, or deeply touched and loved at the extent of connection and care that these tears were conveying.
I chose the last.
I was seeing them almost after 10 years. We sat and talked , and I was really touched. We stayed up the whole night. And the next day I was full of good juju. I actually felt healthier and more energetic
“It is an insane world but in it there’s one sanity, the loyalty of old friends” -Ben-hur
My friend Savvy and I, we speak almost every day. And often talk about these things and realize that in the end this is what it all boil down to. Who will cry when you die. Not her, she wants a celebration.
Friends are those people, who are happy for you. And sad for you and angry on your behalf. I am suddenly very aware of how that is such a rare thing to have, with even one or two people.
Someone said, Friends are a family we get to choose. And I have been blessed with such a large and varied family. The varied bit funny and important, because I have different genres. Some of them don’t always like the other “types”. You have weird friends, and then we laugh at what it means, because they feel safe enough to tell me that. And It is OK.
Different friends provide different containers for a different me to show up. And it exciting and intriguing to meet them
Each brings such a unique gift. Each has a Special place in my Heart. And they in turn have a piece of my soul. I find it safe to keep with them. These friends remind me who I really am on the days I have self doubts and forget. And other days even when I don’t feel like it, I want to be the person they reflect. I think I get what Aristotle might have meant when he connected friendship and character
Sreeni asked me if I went to these places on my run alone. No I said, I have friends, Oh! he said, I then told him of the Slug, and the Crow. He just smiled.
Perhaps we need to take the time and energy to find and nurture these gifts. Perhaps this journey that is life is made more bearable and beautiful because of friends. May be like the Little Prince if we took the time to become friends with ‘others’, we can hear what they have to whisper. All in all friends help us realize what is Good and how to be it. And that is enough for a Good World.
There are many friends who are not mentioned here. I know you Know. I just want you to know. You are mentioned in my heart. And I am grateful that our paths crossed. And there are day we remember each other. even when we don’t speak. sometimes we just look at the Moon, and know the other, Preeti, is doing the same. and a little more safe. I Love you all. I am because you are.
There are Red ships
And there are Blue ships
But the BEST ship
Is Friendship
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