- “We got pushed to give a date by which we have to design a solution for a problem we don’t know, and then reverse engineer it. We are not able to say NO”
- “He has been calling me every 15 minutes, so I blocked his call, I couldn’t say NO”
- “I don’t want to go on matrimony, what if I won’t be able to say NO.
- “Why did you take up this role” – I couldn’t say NO
- “Why did you eat that extra sweet “- I couldn’t say NO
- “Why did you accept the request”– I couldn’t say No
Why do we put up with unacceptable behaviour, Why do we eat what we don’t like, why do we say yes to request that will compromise quality, why do we watch movies that are boring, why do we accept invites to meeting you know are waste of time, This and many such behaviours continue because – “We Couldn’t say NO“
Result – Poor heath, broken down communication, low trust, serious quality issues, low self esteem, missed deadlines, stress and burnout, resentment, over promised-under delivery, low motivation, low accountability. To name a few..
Do these instances and responses sound familiar? These are Real and everyday occurrences – everywhere
In conversation with four different clients the central theme at the root of their multiple problems, whether it is a pressure to deliver, or attrition, or managing stakeholder expectation or burn out due to being constantly disrespected, The issue is ..
Not able to say NO. Or Not able to hold the No as NO.
Whether it is taking on more work than you can handle, or saying yes to plans that you have absolutely no interest in attending — most of us have struggled with saying ‘no’ at some point in our lives. But what makes it so hard to say that monosyllabic word?
Many of us, every day, in so many context have this issue of not able to say NO.
Why is it so difficult to say No. What is Inside this ‘NO’
Rejection
Human relations and interactions are quite dependent on belonging and reciprocity which makes us feel that not obliging socially, will threaten our bonds with people.
“One of our most fundamental needs is for social connection and a feeling that we belong. Saying ‘no’ feels threatening to our relationships and that feeling of connectedness,” Dr.Vanessa Bohns, professor of management sciences at the University of Waterloo.
Amid our struggles to fit in and be liked by our teachers, mangers, peers, partners, creepy uncles, friends, parents, we worry.
We say Yes too soon and sadly No too late
“Saying no stirs up intensely negative emotions—embarrassment and guilt,” says Bohns. To avoid those feelings, we often say yes even when it goes against our ethic.
It does not have to be anything big even, Often I have seen people get into an auto, simply because it stopped in front of them.
“As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
History and mythology is filled with the aftermath of an Unsaid and Unheard NO.
From the abduction of Persephone by Hades in Greek mythology, to the abduction of Sita in Ramayana. To the council not heeded by Duryodhana in Mahabharata. Violence follows.Undeniably
This continues even today, the molestation and rape cases, the acid attacks on girls and boys, the forcing into marriages, the taking up of studying of uninterested vocation, to the bullying, to the domestic violence to the political ego wars, the list is endless.
When a No is not said or is Ignored and not respected – A long slow doom is unleashed
Why is it so difficult to say and accept a NO.
Conflict Inside or Outside
The fear of saying no also stems from the urge to avoid conflicts, or confrontation. Another reason why people tend to worry about saying no is because they don’t want to disappoint others or hurt their feelings.
This sounds reasonable – but not the complete picture
What we don’t want to admit is how we might feel. If the conflict and confrontation happens, we will feel scared, angry, sad shamed, rejected, humiliated, lonely, guilty – and we don’t know HOW to feel all this – So we stick to feeling suffocated, constricted, resigned, and compromised. These are familiar emotions atleast.
We don’t realise in doing so, we have said NO – To Ourselves. On the Inside.
We keep betraying ourselves and over a period of time get so good at justifying the story to ourselves, we start to even believe it.
“I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
(From The Invitation – Oriah Mountain Dreamer)
Giving reasons and Explanation
Someone I am coaching tells me she does not to go back to her previous job, even though there was nothing particularly wrong, and has been avoiding her managers call repeatedly. “I am not sure what to tell him”, she says in a helpless tone.
We often feel pressured to explain ourselves and our NO. As if just saying that is Not enough. And often it is understandably messy. This “Particularly wrong” should be a giveaway for us. It sometimes means I can sense something is wrong but I am not clear and therefore cannot say it.
Trust your Gut follow it.
I watched the Movie PINK a few days ago, It is the story and a girl who is molested and her reaction. And her defending lawyer, the famous Amitabh Bachhan’s closing dialogue in the court.
“No means No” – “No, is a Complete Sentence.”
It created quite a stir it voiced what millions of men and women feel and can’t or haven’t articulated.
Dara Blaine, a counselor in Los Angeles, explains how “we’re culturally conditioned to think that saying ‘No’ will prevent us from getting ahead in life”
Just yesterday in a client sensing interview, the client said, we take pride in saying YES to anything and everything. No is underrated for sure.
Warren Buffett: “We need to learn the slow ‘yes’ and the quick ‘no.’”
Boundaries
A couple of weeks ago, I had one such incident. Last year sometime, someone send me invitation request on LinkedIn. The profile checked out, we had a few common connections, so I accepted. He is from Delhi, and told me may be coming to Mumbai for some work and maybe we can meet to discuss collaboration opportunity. This is pretty standard in general so I was Ok. He did come and I was not free so we did not meet. He kept in touch of an on with “how are you” messages. I replied at first politely. But then it got irritating when he started to ask ‘have you had lunch’. I had to then be clear and tell him, I find this not professional. He had the audacity to still pester and say why can’t we be friends. I told him, I don’t just randomly start chatting with people I don’t know.
His frequency dropped but he kept sending forwards. Which I ignored. For months. Untill two weeks ago, when I got a voice message from an unknown overseas number. It was some kind of song. I asked who was it. And he told his name.
I still remember feeing LIVID. This guy was Just not taking the NO. I spoke to a few friends about what should be the appropriate response, their advice was just block him, ignore him, he is not worth the effort. He is probably used to doing it with others also.
It made sense. And yet I felt quite Violated. I had been clear and polite and professional and he still felt it was ok to continue. After a very short struggle with myself, I felt I need him to know in as many words. The time for nice was OVER. I called him, he started off in a breezy line as if we were long friends and before I could say anything he asked if I wanted anything from there, etc etc. Often people take your silence as a sign of weakness.
I had to interject with a louder voice. And put a stop. Long story short I have to use my ‘very firm tone and voice to tell him perhaps he did not understand the meaning of the word “NO” – that he had transgressed boundaries. I am utterly baffled that this still happens and how “educated” professionals don’t understand Boundaries, when they are Clearly stated. I guess education is NOT everything.
I was shaking with anger, for several minutes after this call. But it was clear. I have often been negatively labelled because I have said a clear no. The labels have been you are rude, insensitive, rebellious, Joan of arc, etc. etc . I have become OK with that. The labels don’t define Me.
Years ago, when I used to work with women empowerment, we had to drill these “statements” and tell the girls that they had to feel the no from inside their bodies. Only then it could be strong. And not internalise these labels which often control strategies
Years later, I see this is an issue not just with women but also with men. When they get pushed to say Yes. We need to teach and learn about setting and knowing our Boundaries. Clearly.
Disguised No
Because it is sticky sometimes we do say no, But the way say it, seems like a yes, deliberately ambiguous.
You want to go for a this movie – aah… Maybe, perhaps, suuureee.., later? I am not well…a bunch more.
I know this personally, I am not much of a food person, but felt I had to sit for meal and eat, I would just say ..sure. It was a stressful social obligation that eventually started to make me sick, and then I just had to simply share that. And it was ok. Most people atleast in our country express love through food. I had also love myself.
The biggest casualty of such a NO is our own sense of Power. We end up feeling powerless.
Be Honest.
Using No
This is the other side of a No. When it gets said as a way to control. To deny, to manipulate, to show power over. It is used in bad negotiations, when one side wants leverage and plays on the psychology of the other. Use the fear of missing out, to their advantage. When it is used as a play. I have seen men and women play it out. “It increases the perception of Value when something is denied” – I have found this notion ridiculous. It’s the kind of lies that colours everything and erodes trust.
I have been in sales all my life and the ONLY thing I know works is honesty, being upfront. If you go into it thinking only you are smart, it is a sure shot way of shooting yourself in the foot.
This is a lazy and bad strategy.
In the 1980’s President Reagan’s wife, Nancy Reagan launched the “Just Say No” campaign, which encouraged children to reject experimenting with or using drugs by simply saying the word “no.”
We are seeing around us the price individual and out land paying for not able to say or hear a NO. Perhaps we can reduce some violence and bring peace starting with our own self, if we start to exercise of a No saying muscle. Maybe we can then say no to thing that are bigger.
Last year when I was working with a group on forest replantation, we met a young tribal college going girl, Manisha Dhinde, She lived with her family in the forest. This forest is called the lungs of Mumbai for obvious reasons. The Govt was wanting build a highway that would need to cut through the forest and they came to cut the trees, and she stood in front and said NO. Many others joined her, it became news. She was taken away, with many others by the cops on the day she had her exams. But eventually her small firm no. Became a BIG no. And conveyed the message and the road project was dropped. It is an amazing example of the Power of a Conviction driven NO.
Yes, It’s not easy, especially when relationships and livelihood is at stake. But sooner or later we either lose or gain respect when we start to say No.
How to say No
All this. Great but then to actually do it. Here are a few things, hacks. I learnt along the years
Using the Right words and sequence one can “design” the perfect NO. The Perfect No is a Win-Win
On the Inside
- Set clear Boundaries: Be clear of what are you saying yes to and no to. Ask yourself- “What am I Saying YES to”
- Separate person from Issue. You are not saying no to the “person” you are saying no to the “request. This takes away the “relationship damage” anxiety
On the Outside
- Say No – Don’t give explanations or justification. The feeling of guild around no that we have internalised, makes us saying more things. It only weakens your conviction
- R.N.O. – Follow the sequence, Give Reason- Say No – give Options: So that the No is not a selfish one, start the statement with stating the reason, the saying a clear firm no and then given the second best options (The Order is Crucial) . If you say no and then give reason, it sounds like an Excuse. Try it
“Will you do this project by next week?
“I have a go-live this week for an earlier project” – Reason
“I won’t be able to this thing by next week” – say NO
“I can do it by (alternate date), or get the other team to have a look” – Option
It’s important that the NO is a win-win. Especially when there is continued relating context this works really well.
Perhaps our problem is we have our No’s misplaced. And misused. Perhaps we need to really reflect in saying no on the outside what are we upholding and saying Yes to on the inside. One that become clear and comes into our awareness – saying no become easy.
Maybe is we start to socialize a NO – we can start to maintain and honour Boundaries and degradation can stop. Of dignity, of forests, of land, of just Being Human
We owe it to ourselves. Where your No is not respected – Your Yes is Not safe.
Perhaps it is a right of Passage – of Growing up – to Learn to Say and Hold a NO. No is not free. It comes with a cost and a responsibility. That is growing up is all about.
“When there is Clarity – there is no Choice”
Rhea
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