Being Alone

About to start a three day Leadership offsite, with a  group I have worked for a few years. Last ,almost 7 year ago. And yet we met as friends.  Happy to see each other.

On of the participant was sharing memories of the last workshop and the conversation floated to COVID times. And the difficulties they faced. He faced.

I began to get a bit uncomfortable, hoping he will not ask me how was it for me. But he did ask. My discomfort was in the last fe months, I have experience a certain expectation of “similar” experience. And how quickly the connection is lost if it isn’t.

But I was not about to tell a white lie.

Venkatesh asked me, in a tender concerned voice, “how was it for you”

I told him it was different. Yes sure..that was safe…go on Rhea

I took a deep breath, and told him, It was one of the most difficult experience internally and yet the most amazing years of my life. Thus far.

I met me. And that was Difficult.

I met me. And that was most amazing.

His face changed as expected. He probed. But in your field where you work with people, isn’t Connection and physical proximity is important. How do did you manage that on zoom.

I though about it. Briefly. Isn’t Connection important in any field I wondered.

The truth was, I told him, Connection had nothing to do with Zoom or physical proximity.

Most times I have experience deep “connection” even on zoom. And, sometimes I have felt very little or no Connection even in physical proximity.

He paused thought and agreed. We sighed and went back to our banter.

We have such unthought thoughts about Connection. Physical proximity was THAT important we could not feel such deep connection with people who are no longer there. My parents, grandma and so on.

Yes it helps, immensely to touch to Hug. I know, I am a big Hugger. But perhaps we don’t like to accept that we are alone. Even when we are physically with others. But we don’t have to be lonely.

Perhaps this notion has us hostage. And we do all kinds of addictions and incorrect choices to avoid this. Being Alone. But if we fully enter it, it can be quite a gift. Last year for a few months. I was Alone. It was one of my biggest fear come true. And I found something beautiful inside of that. Me.

I must admit, some day when I forget I get lonely. and it is gut wrenching. I l have learnt, that most times we cannot be with ourselves and therefore we cannot be with other people in an Honest way.

The quality of Connection with myself increased dramatically.

Alone and Lonely are two very different things. I realized what I thought was alone was lonely.

On the one hand, loneliness is marked by a sense of  disconnection and isolation, an experience of lack, like something’s missing. It is an emotional experience. May may not be physical. That is, you can be physically with people and yet feel lonely inside.

Being Alone is a Sacred practice

Whereas Alone is about being in solitude, in connection to your inner self, and also peaceful. Perhaps that is why we go on meditation retreats. Or out in the forest.

I suspect, people attach Shame to being Alone. and that is why it becomes difficult.

Perhaps if we enjoyed this and took time out deliberately we may not feel as lonely. Perhaps who we miss most is Us. We have to do a lot of catching up with our own different parts and selves. And therefore Alone time is absolutely necessary.

Social media addictions are a sign that we are not able to be Alone. For many it’s NOT a choice anymore.

Maybe, if we admitted and accepted this fact, would be finally Free. Perhaps the true measure of Connection is how comfortable are we, to be truly alone and not feel lonely. We can then bring this quality to others. And hopefully we won’t try and unconsciously “use” other people to feel better about ourselves. In a true sense we set ourselves and others free.

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
 enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
    enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.

I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection,
never be blind or too old
to uphold your weighty wavering reflection.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent;
for there I would be dishonest, untrue.
I want my conscience to be
true before you;
want to describe myself like a picture I observed
for a long time, one close up,
like a new word I learned and embraced,
like the everyday jug,
like my mother’s face,
like a ship that carried me along
through the deadliest storm.

Rainer Maria Rilke