I watched, The ship of Theseus, this intense amazing movie, that for some reason I had missed. And I landed on the Theseus Paradox.  (pronounced Thee-see-us – there is a reason I am putting the pronunciation, those of you who have seen the movie will probably see it )

The experience is churning  me and I can still feel the heat the restlessness. It has brought up something very core, a question that has been simmering inside me, a dilemma, an almost ancient pain. Which for me is not concept but an experience.

Where do I end and the environment begin. Where does description end and creation begin. Where is the line  – or is there one?

I must state the disclaimer that this is an intense read. After all it is a paradox. And yet it is one I feel we need to pause to think contemplate about. There are no answers but even deeper questions, ones that do deserve some time.  After all in a way, this is the central question in what is going on with our Earth. With our own terra firma. And to be absolutely honest, as I write,  this idea this question, this piece, I feel as if IT is making me write. Again, I don’t know where I end, and where it begins. I feel like one of Eichers paintings of drawing hands.

Pause.

.A little background, Theseus is the hero from Greek mythology who enters the dreaded labyrinth and kills the Minotaur (half human and half bull )and manages to find his way out of the labyrinth with the aid of Ariadne’s thread and saves his people, himself and Ariadne.

The Theseus Paradox, is a thought experiment which goes as follows:

It is supposed that the famous ship sailed by the hero Theseus in a great battle was kept in a harbour as a museum piece, and as the years went by some of the wooden parts began to rot and were replaced by new ones; then, after a century or so, every part had been replaced. The question then is whether the “restored” ship is still the same object as the original.

Simply put, the question of whether an object or person, that has had all of its components replaced remains fundamentally the same object. The paradox is most notably recorded by Plutarch in Life of Theseus.

How is the whole, bigger than the sum of parts. What else is there that is invisible

Is the restored ship, the same as before? even though the pieces are all different. What is the definition of the Ship? And if the pieces were separately assembled and became part of some other things, would they then be this ship?

The dilemma suddenly is so real, these question are so present for me on so many levels. Is there such a thing as choice? and how do we know, we are not acting out the environment choices? Does the ego stop us from seeing it as such?

This really brings to my mind, last decade of my life’s journey. I used to be a rather unorganised person and really all over the place. After an accident in 2014, when I broke my arm and went through depression. I woke up (I was asleep). I decided to turn around. I was also 76 kgs at that time and unaware of it. I took to “Essentialism” ( highly recommend that book) – getting rid of all non-essentials, books, clothes, food, conversation, things, relationships. I cleaned up. As much as I am possibly aware – I keep to essentials.

It has taken me 7 years. I am not the same person I was 7 years ago. And sometimes this also creates tension, when some people still refer to me as that Rhea (perhaps the one who still lives in their minds, it’s hard work to change perception). I don’t  live there. And I have a difficult time relating to that. And I don’t know how to pretend, often.

My conundrum, When I am with them, should I pretend, to make them feel comfortable? or fit in? If I pretend to be me (older version) am I lying? It feels like that. So if I am, I am not being me, then am I lying to myself? Who is this me then? If I look at it biologically also, I understand, every seven years all the cells in our body are renewed. So then who am I?.  

To add to this confusion, two days ago in a conversation with my son, he was talking about, how we are a collection of other peoples experiences – the example he gave was, how he liked a movie now because at some time somebody had shared it with him. And so, he said,  ‘My likes and dislikes, that I label “Me”, are really pieces from so many other people’.

You see, I have my very own Ship of Theseus paradox. My head is reeling and yet I do feel Alive.

There is this ever so often – You have changed. The unsaid disappointment is very palpable. It’s almost an accusation. Why can you not remain the same?. I can hear this unsaid.

There is this insidious shaming and guilting that happens. I have seen it with parents also, Why don’t you remain small, so I can take care of you. Why don’t you remain sick, strong, responsible, dependent, lost, weak, poor etc.   – there are many versions of this. Basically, why does the ‘environment’ not change to suit me. So that I don’t have to do the hard work of changing my perceptions. (Its getting hotter – lets put more air-conditioners.)

Yes it’s true I have changed like everyone. So why this Insistence then?

I want to quickly add, this very same trap happens with our relationship with self also. We want to stick to our “version” of who we are in our heads.  Phew!! The plot thickens.

I do believe we suffer from, what I call, Perception inertia. Our perception (of ourselves and our world)  continues in its state of rest, until acted upon by an external force. Like in my case the accident and like in case of us as a collective the pandemic. . Aah.I am such a geek. I used to cringe at this earlier, but now I don’t.  

The perception once made gets stuck and we get stuck with it. In reality we change through the various experiences. And yet we don’t seem to catch up with ourselves, with who we are now. Who we have become. And we often feel as if we will ‘betray’ someone or something .It feels so unfair, after all, we have paid a price to reach here.

I loved bright colours at one time (some of my friends refer to it as my peacock days). I cannot imagine wearing all that now. And it’s ok to be this me now. At that time, I was a result of a different environment, inside and out. And now I am different.  It does not mean I was untrue then or now. It does not make me a hypocrite, If I make a completely different choice then what I stood for 20 yrs ago. I don’t have to match all the previous parts. I am not a mould, fixed. I am work in progress.

There can be multiple truths, even though they may at times contradict each other

 “I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be…” Joan Didion

.Shouldn’t our allegiance and inquiry be to what is the current unfolding truth? If not how can we respond to the environment crisis. Inside and out. It’s not convenient for sure, but the imperative is clear. If not now – when?

Maybe we need to look at ourselves and the notion of me and boundaries, with a little wider softer lens. Maybe we don’t have to be just one or two people. Maybe we don’t need to choose between identities (including the sticky one of being human). Maybe we need to relearn how to hold paradoxes, and resist the urge of polarising and othering. Maybe we need to be more gracious and fluid in holding notions of the ‘other’

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