My Son and I were in a conversation about Anger, and sharing notes of Anger and its role and movement. I have very closely known this emotion. And have often used it as a front end for other emotions like frustration, fear, sadness and helplessness. I have had to move from Being angry -to Feeling angry – to embracing Anger. It has been a long arduous journey, that I still continue. Anger in a way has been a pilgrimage. I had to come face to face with what was really important and pay attention.It has brought the gift of Clarity.
Anger though is often negatively judged, labelled as the bad guy and relegated to the shadows. But I have come to know it closely from the inside. And Know now, it is not. Once again, what is not understood is feared and there is an attempt to control and “manage” it – Instead of listening and understanding it.
Anger is an everyday Phenomena, from who kept the milk carton out, to why people honk, to why are forests burning, to what happens to a celebrity kid – Anger is everywhere. It is a felt emotion in the body. We are more angry than a generation ago. And yet we choose to avoid and bypass it, meditate, medicate or manage it. Maybe thats why. Anything but listen and acknowledge it. Results? the environment is burning, more mental health breakdowns, more isolation and road rage, more wars. We have reached the boiling point.
It’s time to really Know Anger – In a different light and bring it out of the shadows
Anger is a Boundary:
Psychotherapist Robert Masters in his book Spiritual Bypassing, says, “Anger is the primary emotional state that functions to uphold our boundaries.” When we feel anger, it’s an indication that something is wrong—a boundary has been crossed or a need is not being met. It’s not always just about our individual selves, either—anger is the appropriate response to oppression.
Anger sets boundaries by walking the perimeter of our psyche and keeping an eye on you, the people around you, and your environment. If your boundaries are broken through the insensitivity of others, or in any other way, anger comes forward to restore your sense of strength.It protects us.
In my late teens, I was very angry about something that had happened to someone very close to me. And felt helpless that I wasn’t there. In wanting to do something, I started to volunteer with an NGO, called Saheli, which recuses children from prostitution and destitution. Over two years we rescued 340 children. While working there it was an extremely unsafe environment. I was ‘on my own’. My anger, gave me courage to let me set and defend my boundaries. It was like an invisible power shield that people stayed away from. I did not know how to turn it off at will though. and that created a different set of challenges, But it still helped
Anger is a Map:
It shows us the Territory of what is Important and where is it. It show us where we are, have been and the places we have not liked and mark them. It tell us how to navigate, what direction to choose. Since it sits in the Body, often in the gut, it immediately gives us a signal when something is off. We can use it as a guiding system. I have seen people who have issues with suppressed anger, also have issues with their gut and suppressed instincts .
Anger is Fuel:
It is an extremely palpable energy. We feel it and we want to do something. Take some action, break something, say or shout something. It is Passion, often underdressed. But we are nice people, and what we do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury it, shame it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate or meditate it out of our system. We do everything but listen to it. And then we suffer from what the Greek called “Akarasia” a general term for the phenomenon known as weakness of will. The disposition to act contrary to one’s own considered judgment about what it is best to do. There must be a reason we use the metaphor of Fire for Anger.
We often hear the expression “He/She has so much potential but..”. The But in the end..pierces the Soul as we bleed violence and depression.
Anger is a Voice:
It is meant to be listened to. It is a shout, a plea, a cry, a demand, an expression. Often it is screaming “ENOUGH”. It demands respect. Not more ignoring. When ignored it comes back stronger, like Hulk. Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out. With a some practice, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.
We need to listen to and for, the many generational voices inside of us and also for the hundreds of other beings who are ‘voice less’. And so we don’t fully know, when we listen to its voice and start pulling the thread and then voice it – How much and how far the healing can go, in both directions
My friend savvy, often points out how I have “that Voice”. It is when I am very angry because some boundary is violated. Earlier I would raise my voice, now I drop my silence.
As the saying goes, Its easy to be Angry- But to be angry for the right reason, at the right time, in the right manner, with the right person – That is the challenge.
Anger is an act of Compassion
This may sound odd, but it is. The willingness to uphold boundaries and rights and not let self or others be bullied is compassion. Not saying anything in the face of injustice in order to save our skin, isn’t.
I also know of friends who have suppressed their anger so deep down, that they have been walked over, pushed around and taken for granted. And they just continue without any “energy or fuel “ for taking the necessary action. They suffer from lot of health issues. The energy that is not expressed, implodes inside. It is not at all an act of self compassion.
We often make people guilty for feeling angry. If it was not an appropriate emotion we would not have had it. Gods get angry too. Disowned anger then starts to take more dangerous and covert forms. And afraid of being shamed starts to hide
“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth” -African Proverb
Anger is a Clarifier:
It cuts burns and clarifies that which is Untrue and False.
There is a story about a Maulana, a priest who is teaching through parable in a Mosque. There are hundreds of people listening in rapt attention to the holy man. In this parable, the priest reaches a point of describing a “bad character”. Suddenly one man in the congregation, bursts out in angry expletives, in reaction to the character. There is sudden silence and everyone start to stare in disbelief at this man. Who realises what he just said. Just as the murmurs start, the Priest stops them and says, in all the people, he now knows who was really listening to him. He got so lost in the story that he did not pay attention to “how he should be”. He was honest and pure. He did not pretend.
When somebody is angry you often see truth fuming and foaming..
Having said that, it has gotten a reputation like this because of how it is expressed or isn’t. How anger is manipulatively used. There is a difference between feeling angry and showing anger. Some people project an angry front, even when they are not, just to trigger others. This is called gas lighting. Often used in unfair negotiations.
We don’t have Anger issues – We have Issues with anger.
One of my coachees some years ago, told me her fathers ‘Anger Strategy” – When he would get angry he would not say or do anything. After his anger passed, he would ‘act’ as if he was angry. I thought it was great hack.
My most favourite Anger benefits is, It make you become more authentically YOU. And more able to interact authentically and honourably with others as well. Anger is a wonderful and pro-social emotion when you know how to work with it. In hiding anger, because of fear of conflict and losing popularity, we become less trustworthy.
I have often seen people say yes to something, in social situations, form simple things like saying No to coffee, to going for some ceremony, when they are unable to say no, which is what they really want. They eventually become resentful towards others start not liking themselves for not being able to assert. People may not like you in the short term, but eventually they will know. That when you are with them, you really are with them. That your yes means Yes. and No means No.
Children are often shamed and called bad boy/ girl if they express anger. I still remember, I had my favourite doll, and one of the neighbour kids asked me for it for some play. I did not want to give. She called her mother and I still said No. She and the other kids did not play with me for sometime. I was a “Bad Girl”. I heard I would be bad influence. I carried and then internalised this label for a long time, and turned even more introverted. Till, one day, I realised this label did not belong to me .It was an expression of their frustration at not getting what they wanted from me.
Anger brings many gifts, Honour, Self respect, Self love, Conviction, Protection of others, Boundaries, Healthy detachment, Courage, Compassion, Action Bias, Discernment.
Perhaps our not accessing these gift is an indicator of us Not being in touch and honouring this Anger. Perhaps we need see how we may have slipped into apathy and feeling of ennui, in not owning our anger.
There are many things happening for which Anger is the appropriate response.
Anger can be creatively redirected.
Jamshedji Tata was inspired to build the Taj Hotel in 1898, l after he was refused entry at one of the grandest hotels of British time Watson’s Hotel, which was restricted to ‘whites only. Jamsetji Tata took this as an insult to whole Indians and then decided that he would build a hotel where not only Indians but foreigners could also stay without any restrictions, and that’s how India’s first super-luxury hotel came into being. Now Taj is a centre of attraction all over the world.
Anger can be Non- Violent.
On 7 June 1893, M.K Gandhi, later known as “The Mahatma was forcibly removed from a whites-only carriage on a train in Pietermaritzburg, for not obeying laws that segregated each carriage according to race. Gandhi was practising as a young Indian lawyer in South Africa at the time, and this event proved a remarkable influence on the future, as he fought and won the Indian freedom fight through his passive resistance movement known as Satyagraha, or the “force which is born of Truth and Love or non-violence”.
Perhaps its time we really asked this question “What do I value? and What must be protected and restored. Where are my, our boundaries defined or transgressed. What am I not listening to?.
Maybe if we did, we won’t have to let anger turn into rage, wrath, violence. Maybe if we had healthy anger we may have less violence. Maybe “safe” would not be a word that children needed to know. When someone is not listened to, when boundaries are not respected, when guilt and shame become controlling mechanism, when love becomes a bargaining commodity, slowly very slowly we start preparing for wars and our own annihilation.
It’s not easy to take the pathway through fire. But it is necessary so that we don’t end up burning everything else.
Maybe if we rebelled when we were supposed to, for the things which were important for us, we could not have to say No to things that mattered to us. Like physical, emotional and mental health, ours and that of our loved ones, our relationships, our, forests, our earth.
Psychological healing begins when we identify, name and mindfully channel our anger. Then we relearn to powerfully use anger in support of ourselves and those we love. When we become skilled using anger in this way, we become healthier. Anger is not opposed to love, infact if really seen up close, it acts because of love.
Owning and holding our anger as sacred, enriches our experience of being alive and uphold all life.
We live in a land that celebrates benevolent Durga and the fierce Kali. Both have their respective respectable place. Perhaps we need to reinstate the position of Sacred Anger and acknowledge its role as the honourable Sentry. Perhaps then we have still do what our souls want of us without suffering too much, because we did not listen to it.
Anger can heal us. “Anger is the firestorm that signals the death of our old life. Anger is the fuel that propels us into our new one. Anger is a tool, not a master. Anger is meant to be tapped into and drawn upon. Used properly, anger is use-full. “Sloth, apathy and despair are the enemy. Anger is not. Anger is our friend. Not a nice Friend. Not a gentle friend. But a very, very loyal friend. It will always tell us when we have been betrayed. It will always tell us when we have betrayed ourselves. It will always tell us that it is time to act in our own best interests. Anger is not the action itself. It is action’s invitation.” – Julia Cameron – The Artists Way
