The “Too Much Boy”

For a couple of years now, a friend of mine has been of and on telling me about the troubles with his then, 11 year old son. He would not listen and stay in one place at home,  refused to go to the boarding school. And once there, threatened to end his life if he was not brought home. Teachers and other family members suggested they take him to see a therapist. In fact my friend, had called me to ask for a recommendation, of a therapist, which I had given.

He, my friends son, Raj(Name changed) was home for Diwali holidays. He is 13 now, almost.

My friend called me again two days ago, saying it would soon be time for raj to go back and he did not want to. Nothing seemed to have worked. He also told me, on videos calls from school, Raj would threaten suicide using strings and divider etc. the teachers were concerned and counselling, therapy had not had much effect.  

As a parent, I could hear the helpless concern of my friend I asked him to just come home so he could just talk. He said he will bring Raj with him, if I was ok. I said sure. And then panicked.

I was not sure, what to do, what was expected. What would happened.

To top it my friend also told me, he is very smart, he had taken Raj to some other friend for some other “therapy” and Raj had not liked it.I silently prayed he was not having any such expectations from me

Naturally I assumed, my friend was also getting him here for some “cure”. I am not qualified for anything like that. And I was not at all sure if I had any “cure“.

In turn that evening I called a couple of my friends and voiced my anxiety. I did not want to be carrying it when I met him the next morning.

I woke up, still anxious. I decided to Pray. For his Boy, for his dad and for me.

At 11.30 when the bell rang I told Anita I will open the door. And there they were my six and half feet tall friend trying to hold and gently push his son Raj, towards the door. And Raj was very vocally saying he does not want to come and meet me. And was also trying to push his way to the other side. I stood there at the door and watched. And Prayed.

After a few minutes I said, you are here , come in anyway. Have water.

They did. Raj and his dad came in and sat. I saw a bandage on raj’s right hand. I thought of the wrist threat. And tentatively asked him what happened. Before Raj could reply, my friend said, he hurt his hand while playing basket ball.

I found a sudden bubble of energy. I asked Raj if he played basket ball, stupid question. But he had not yet spoken. Yes he said.

What was his favorite position and move I asked, he told me his and I told him mine.

We both paused. And looked like we were sizing each other up. Like we would when we knew of someone moves.

Then something shifted.

I also told him, I could not find anyone to play with. Around. He told me I could go and play in their building complex.

From that moment on, he started to tell me many things. He showed me his youtube channel how many likes he had. And how he was not wanting to put more things out because someone wrote some mean comment. My friend interrupted in a patronising tone, and I had to signal to him to keep quiet.

Raj went on. He said he loved to sing. And I did not have to ask him twice, before he found a karaoke number of his favorite Arijit song and he sang full volume. It was Amazing. He has a very nice strong voice. And loads of confidence.

Raj then showed me videos of his “Robot rickshaw” that he and his friend made. And his drumming video, where he played the octopad. He told me he learnt from Youtube.

I smiled. I told him i was learning to play the flute from youtube.

He told me how some of his boarding school friend did not let him play table tennis, and he went and learnt from YouTube and now he was better than them. He said he learnt basket ball also like that. Mental note to check it out.

He was amazing. So much energy. So much Chutzpa.

We then went to my study and he automatically took to my Djembe and played, His dad, after 25 years of wanting to, bought a Saxophone. His dad was his hero. And he said so.

I asked him why and also told him It was very unusual for me to see a young boy so openly affectionate about his father..

He unequivocally told me, about his birth story, and how he was in the ICU for sometime and how his dad sat on the steps. And therefore how he knew his dad loved him, and how he loved his dad more. It was such a matter of fact statement. And I was so thrilled as a young boy he did not feel conscious of expressing his love in front of his dad to an almost stranger.

We transitioned, Raj and me to dark energy, and magic and miracle. And when he looked at my Harry potter collection and said all this is fake. We almost had a fight. I fought and defended harry potter. And also showed him Hedwig. We agreed there was a difference between Magic and Miracle.

He sang a few more songs including a Rap. And I sang a couple of mine.He rolled his eyes at my Kabir bhajan.

He talked about time travel, and black holes and various theories about Bermuda triangle. And I told a few things I knew. We agreed. Disagreed. And proved some things to each other. And also changed our mind along the way.

Somewhere he also spoke about Hanuma ji and how “bad spirits” could be warded off by reciting Hanuman Chalisa. He said suddenly with that childlike faith. Quoting an incident from his friends grandfathers life. He also suddenly asked me if I knew the Shiv Tandavan. We both attempted a few lines.  

He was also studying astrology now, yes from Youtube.

Raj just had such a varied interest and Genius. I told his he was likely a Polymath.

Because we stayed so long on my favourite  topic of Physics, I gave him on of my favorite nook, 7 lesson on physics Carlos Rovelli. He opened and even read one page.

And then his dad asked to him, read with his eyes closed.. I was a bit confused.  But what unfolded by jut so amazing. Raj took off his glasses and his dada tie a thick kerchief across his eyes. And while Raj was adjusting, changed the book. And randomly picked another from my book shelf.

He picked up “Lesson by Maharishi” I smiled. Still confused. What was he trying to do??

Raj touched the book and immediately said it was a different book. And then With his shut eyes READ the cover page line by line. Title, meaning and foreword. What he could not pronounce he spelled out. All the while with shut eyes.

I just could not believe it.  He went on to read movie names randomly pulled up my friend on his phone. I was so amazed at his abilities I had vaguely heard about this but never really seen.

I hugged this boy and even had tears which I managed. My friend finally took his Saxophone out of the box and played. he had waited 25 years for this. Sigh !!!

After some glorious 2 hours it was time for them to go. Raj said he will meet me in 10 years, when he becomes someone. I told hold him he was already someone . My heart blessed him deeply.

My friend on his way out said, he had no idea his son knew so much that he was so talented. It was as he he was meeting this Raj for the firs time.

After they left, I sat down in wonder.Amazement. Pain. Gratitude.

 At how much my friend and his family had suffered trying to understand why their son behaved like this. Why could he not be “Normal” like everyone else. They had taken him to doctors and babas and astrologers, everyone told “He had a problem”.

And how much Raj much be suffering, wondering what was wrong with him. Why did he have to fit. Why could his parents now see him and accept him for who he is. And how it must be pushing him to hurt himself, that he is not seen and understood.

My heart went out to him

I spoke to my friend and told him he need not send him to any boarding school. There was nothing “wrong with him”. He did not need to be therapised. He needs space to share to be heard to be allowed to follow his two dozen interest, that he had the appetite and aptitude for.

There is No Problem. He did not need “help”.

How we try to fit children and people into this “Box” of our understanding, and anything that did not fit needs to be cut to size. FIXED.

This was a “Too much Boy”. He was too emotional, too energetic ,too smart, too quick, too Confident, too straightforward, too passionate.

We need to celebrate such children not criticize – them or force fit them.

They will challenge us, and we will try to make them “like us”. But some children are just not meant to fit. The challenge is for us to grow to see that be that Not the other way around.

Parents hold back their affection and love “Till then don’t behave”. Meaning don’t fit into what we want them to be.

And for that “love” children give up their “Too Much ness”. Their confidence, their dreams, their life – to try and Fit. To be “normal”.

They call this sacrifice – Love.

But something dies inside them. And everyone especially the parents are now happy. They are “like everyone else”. How sad. How cruel even. How unfair. It not fair we ask for such sacrifices from our children. Parents take their children to different people to give them the message, they seemed to not be able to give, or know their children won’t take it from them. It’s manipulation. Not fair. They need to find their own space and life and expression.Maybe parent need to listen beyond their own fears.

Such children otherwise might grow up to be adult who are afraid of Too Much. Afraid to express for the fear of being labelled Too much. We need to let our Children Go and Grow. And then maybe follow them. Let them lead the way.

Perhaps these children have come to teach us. To help us grow. To show us what all is possible. I for one, am going take a few Saxophone lesson, from YouTube as Raj suggested.

Perhaps their “Too Much ness” needs to be given more space and time.

Perhaps we need to stop and ask ourselves who are we “helping” really. Maybe we need to be in touch with our own “Too Muchness.”

Thank you Raj for for Being Too Much.