At one time, I was convinced I wanted to join theatre, I felt I would be good at it. Then I realized I liked directing short plays better. I am trained in neither. But to be fair I have wanted to be many things.
I love experimenting. And that is how I knew. Thinking of things as an experiment is one of my thought hacks.
I have often noticed, when we set out to do something, especially something new, immediately there is the thought of what if it does not work, succeed, etc. Meaning what if the result is not what we expect. I find our instinct to expect both naïve and brave at the same time. We expect without giving a moments thought to the million other unseen things that can happen, change trajectories that are not known at the time of starting something, and yet. We don’t know how to handle what we might feel, the pain the disappointment the shame, if that does not happen. And so, often we don’t do half the things we want to. Fear paralyzes our thinking, and ‘indecision’ is what we unconsciously hide behind. I can’t decide.
When there is Clarity there is No choice.
And then on rainy days, or birthdays, remember and regret. We are so afraid and anxious of the Unknown. That we sign up for regret. Knowing we are going to regret it. We even say it in as many words. We forward the Regret from a future possibility to present reality.
”Regret for the things you have done can be tempered with time –It’s regret for the thing you have not done, that is inconsolable’.
The hack I have found, is To think of the Action as an “Experiment”. When I say I am going to bake a cake. And I am going to experiment with baking a cake – the feeling in both statements is different. One announces a result, the other a process.
Experiment, immediately takes away the pressure of a “Certainty of result”, the expectation of success, and the anxiety of failure.
“It was only in the theater that I lived” – Oscar Wilde
An experiment also does three more amazing things.
One – It shifts focus from Result to Outcome. Result is what happens at the end of everything. Outcome is what happens at every stage.
When I started enthusiastically wanting to bake. No I did not want to be a baker. It was a disaster. The gooey stuff was all over my oven. Sometimes it made noises that scared me. After a couple of attempts, I decided to change my expectations from myself. I moved from looking at the result, the baked cake, to outcome. I did a few rounds, first outcome I measured was aiming for – “not splattering’ – I didn’t care if the cake was even a cake. All I focused was that it did not splatter. On achieving this, my next outcome goals was “dry fork”. Those of you who know baking probably know this. – and so on, till one day, I got the Result. The Cake Yeah!!!
Two – An experiment gives a legitimate opportunity to interact freely with the Unknown. There is a sense of freedom in the not knowing, a kind of freefall. And also suspense. If you have done it yourself or seen somebody while experimenting, you can see there is a certain way they are present fully to that moment, to that space the body the eyes are all relaxed and alert. In anticipation yet in surrender. There is a noiselessness of that space. This is the meeting point -the verge.
Three – It creates a container for Emergence and emergent experiences, Encounters. Where something more than what went in comes out. In the interaction and relating with curiosity something new has a chance. To be seen, felt. The emergence changes the Observer. The first time the Cake ‘Happened”, finally. I changed from someone who was scared of baking, to not scared of baking. I would also take this new found ‘confidence’ into other areas of my live. I emerged in one more aspect of myself, from the invisible to the visible
Perhaps if we experiment with ourselves and our bucket list, maybe our regret list will shorten? Perhaps experimenting may finally help us break this fixed solid view of how things should be and play with what can be? Maybe we can start to hold “This is who I am” a little playfully pun intended. Perhaps this way we can begin to meet our light and shadows, without overwhelm. And go beyond probabilities to possibilities.? Of our own identities and therefore the way we hold others and the world. Parts of us that we don’t let out of the shadows, remain outside the boundaries of Who I am. And then those either attract or repel others to us. We end up either idolizing and not seeing that in us or Judging and getting trigged by that in other. Taken to a scale we know what this leads to. An US and a THEM.
I wonder…
What if we experimented .. (with no fixed expectation of Results)
With being Un-offendable?
With choosing kindness over being right?
With surrender over control
With faith
With discipline as a path to freedom
With imagining beauty in others.
With Asking with Abundance instead of, for it.
With grief as an expression of love
With failure as a celebration of risk
I have a suspicion that Any outcome would be just as good or better than the result.
I have a sudden nostalgia thinking of Prithivi theatre, in Mumbai, known for it’s Experimental Theatres, where I used to go very often…I remember just being in that space, somehow gave rise to such rich and different conversation with friends, that lasted way past the closing time.
Experimental Theatre was known as fringe theater till it became mainstream. Of course. It contributed a lot to changing the way society was shaped by its seeing. It mimicked ‘normal’ and then challenged it. Sometimes through direct innocence, other times through humor and tragedy. It pushed people’s perceptions and sensing, and used that as cues, it talked about things that were difficult, it brought out issues that were both common place and also taboo. It allowed and invited reactions that were real time and not always pleasant- Whatever it did – It felt more like TRUTH. It didn’t always have a neat ribboned conclusion. Yet, it often left the people with a sense of having touched something invisible, deeply buried and almost sacred. It used everything, including the space time people and what happened through the interplay of all this, as a prop. The best part, being ‘unrehearsed’ was a good thing.
How would the world be, if we lived as if – living was an Experimental theatre. With a blurry boundary between who are the actors and who is the audience. Who is Us and who is Them. And even though they were not seen, someone handled the Lights, the Sounds and the entry exit signs.
What if.
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