I am excited about what will show up. It’s after all 42. The answer to everything in the Universe. (Courtesy Douglas- Adams of Hitchhiker guide to the Galaxy)
I went to meet a lady yesterday, her house was cozy and dimly lit, and when I came out into the afternoon sun I had to blink. The sudden light made my eyes water.
This made me think about this phenomenon of Light and Darkness.
A not so pleasant memory wafts in. As a child I used to be afraid of darkrooms. In school, as a form of punishment, we were put in a Dark Room, it was also called that –And Babli, the dark stout bald-headed peon, was called to put us there, he did the ‘dirty work’. My primary school was call “Little Angels High School” – How ironic I think.
I have spent a quite a few horrifying hours there. To make matters worse, we were also told of big rats and large spiders which were also there. Whether or not they were actually there I do not know. But they did come in my mind. Wild imagination is not always a good thing. I even imagined the texture of the rats skin in great and horrifying detail.
As I remember that incident – I find it preposterous and intriguing. How is Fear used as a motivator for being good? I don’t think it works in the long run.
Back to my story..
This went on for 3 years from class 1 to Class 3. And I got more and more angry. Many children my friends used to cry loudly. And later feel embarrassed. So fear AND shame.
One day, one of my best friends Bhavesh Patel, who was anyways picked by other kids for his weight, was pulled up by Babli. He had not done anything, he was picked up because others were making noise. He got so scared he wet his pants. And after that did not come to school for a week. I was furious. Livid. And was not going to take this bullying lying down. But I did not know what to do. I felt helpless and angry.
I remember I wanted to get into trouble just so I could confront Babli. But I had no plan about what to do after that. I missed my friend Bhavesh. I did not have to wait too long.
Babli, was like this Yamdoot (The God of death), in a badly made low budget Bollywood movie. In his tight fitting Khaki uniform. I guess Babli, felt powerful only during those times. Without this “Yamdoot Role” he was just a Peon.
Babli would add his extra dose of drama. He would force us to “Look at him” just before roughly pushing us into the dark room. He would widen his eyes and flare his nostrils. I guess he must also be watching these bad movies, and his dark, never ending forehead would be glistening with sweat, which would sometimes be falling from his lashes, in slow motion. Atleast at that time it felt like that. Like I said, Imagination works both ways. I think more kids were scared even before they went into the dark room.
This one time, after the Bhavesh incident. Babli dragged me to the Dark room. And started his scaring tactics. I was so angry, I shut my eyes tightly. “Look at me” “look at me” he kept shouting and threatening. I was not about to give him that satisfaction. I was scared of going into the into the dark room, but I was not going to let him see it in my eyes.
When he could not get me to open my eyes, he pushed me roughly in anyways. Only after I heard the door shut behind me, I slowly cautiously opened my eyes, the anger shield and the bravado both had started to melt. And I could feel the fear starting to rise.
Anger can be a great way to protect us from Fear and helplessness.
And then something absolutely unexpected happened, To my utter absolute surprise – I could see in the Dark.
Dimly yes, but I could. I looked around waiting to see things that were in my imagination all these years. But all I saw were brooms and pans on shelves. My vision got better in a few minutes and now I could see everything. There was nothing scary – No rats or spiders certainly.
Just some old dusty forgotten stuff. Broken benches and boards, lots of broken chalk pieces in different boxes and few stacks of old torn books. Things that were lost and never found, water bottle, compass I could faintly see that some even had names, how was it lost then I wondered.
I guess when things came to the Dark Room – They did not leave. No one thought of looking for them in the dark Room
My initial euphoria at not feeling fear quietened as I got curious. How was I able to see? What had changed? What had I been doing all these years? I had many questions from me to me.
I realised, I normally did the opposite of what I did that day. I closed my eyes even tighter when I was inside. I did not want to see, the scary images from my imagination. I did not dare to move an inch for fear of touching an unsuspecting Rat. I looked into Babli’s eyes and let his fear enter and control me.
That day I did not. That day, Anger somehow clarified my Vision.
The biggest difference was – Earlier I would go into the dark room with my eyes open. Being afraid and defying the darkness because it was cast as the enemy. And that day I entered with eyes closed. I entered surrendering to the Darkness, not fighting it.
The Anger had made me realize who or what the “Enemy ”was. And it was not Darkness. And I was rewarded, the reward was my own internal ‘light’ and being able to see. Things that were forgotten and lost.
As poetic as this sounds. It was true. And I had also found a hack.
I realized, If I close my eyes before entering a dark space, my eyes adjust automatically to the dark. And the retina, retains and produces some of its own light. Kind of extension of phantom limb syndrome but for light. We have all had this experience in various degrees. You can try this out, it’s fun.
When our eyes are shut we see little stars and light orbs dancing. I have spent many idle minutes looking at my own private internal light show. And when we put a little pressure the stars increase in their intensity and nos.
There is a name for this phenomena, I found out. It is not just in my Imagination.
The real reason we are treated to this fuzzy firework display behind closed lids has to do with something called Phosphenes. Phosphenes are the moving visual sensations of Stars and patterns we see when we close our eyes.
They are thought to be caused by the inherent electrical charges the retina produces when it is in its “resting state” (internal torch) and not taking in a ton of information and light, like it does when our eyes are open.
To put it simply when we are not taking in or being overwhelmed by ‘outside’ information and external light, we are present to the inside charge and light and can literally see Stars.
We see things in the presence of Light – But we see our own internal light when in darkness or under pressure.
How amazing !!!
Perhaps that is why we close our eyes while we Pray. Or when we are having an intimate moment with another person. Or being fully with a thing of beauty or listening to something that stirs the heart or a wafting fragrance ..we almost automatically close our eyes. I can never sing with my eyes open, I have tried. To See something that really mattered to us, we had to have our eyes wide shut. As Rumi said, “Close your eyes and then see with the eye”. I had never thought of it before but now it all came together.
By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.
Franz Kafka
Perhaps Darkness made us see our own light. Light of our Faith and Love maybe . Perhaps Anger was not such a bad thing after all if used to clarify and inform. Perhaps, we need to enter Our own Dark Rooms, to see some old dusty “stuff” and become free of the fear. Maybe we may even find some things we loved and lost long time ago which still has our names on it, who knows.
Perhaps we need to close our eyes more often deliberately, and find more occasion to do that. Maybe when they say, things like ‘Blind Faith – ‘Blind Love’ what is means is “Shutting the outside seeing eyes and opening and seeing with the inside eyes“
Perhaps the “Light at the end of the tunnel” is a gross misnomer. It make us hold our breath while walking the tunnel. Waiting for the end. There is light in the tunnel also, albeit internal.
Maybe the real reason “Fear is used” to control is because it makes us forget our own light. And Perhaps if we really know that the Light that we seek ‘outside’ is literally always there within us – we can live more in the land of Faith. And Babli would be be more Bubbly.
Maybe, as I ponder and smile, there was a confusion, an auto-correct. When we say walk in Eternal light – We meant- Walk in Internal light. That is perhaps the – Answer to Everything.
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