In a two different conversations yesterday, we landed on particular words, in this case, Love and Discipline, and then for some time could not move. And the conversation almost got heated up. Ironically in the one with love, that very word seemed to have left momentarily out of the tones. And the conversation about discipline , got quite out of hand.
I have and continue to have my share of frustration with words. They often don’t convey what I am feeling, my intentions, limitation etc. and then don’t always go the way I imagine, to the other side.
Words yet become memories. And become sign posts.
We have all been there when we have said words we cannot take back. Or sit regretfully with words we wish we had said and did not.
Many years ago, when I was in Lucknow, a dear friend Gyan Pandey uncle said, “Shabd Paatr ki Supatrata ke anusar khute hai” – Loosely translated – Words open up, like flowers according to the readiness to the receiver. And funnily we have argued abut what is the exact meaning of the word “Supatrata”.
It is True
The word discipline for me when I was in my teens, was something I vehemently rebelled against. In my 20’s it became something I would ask of my son, and was on the other side of its absence. In my 30’s I struggled to try and go deeper into it myself, knowing I wanted to but could not. And now in my 40th I find it beautiful and natural. My litmus test is when I don’t have a”resistance” to it, I know it has found a place inside me.
Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.” -Edgar Allan Poe
The literal word is the same. But it keeps on opening and blossoming.
Infact I feel, if the words do not change, from what they meant years ago, perhaps it may be an indication we have not grown or opened to life experiences.
For example, the word “teacher” – still evokes a bit of tightness in my body, as I recall some specific tone by my history teacher, ‘Listen to me because I am your Teacher”, and she would say it with such emphasis on the last word. That, that became synonymous with unquestioned acceptance of what was said by her. I still cannot accept that, even from myself.
A few years ago, I had a practice of ‘Word Contemplation”. It started accidentally at first. I found a particular word coming into my space a lot more regularly, the first such word was “Choice”, what I mean by that is, I would end up using it a lot, come across it in different ways, find myself thinking about, question it etc. Then I stared to “live that word” consciously. And start seeing, experiencing it more deeply. And writing down my various experiences with and around it. On an average a word stayed in my space for about 6 months.
After which it would disappear on it’s own. But in that time, I would eat, chew, savour roll it in my mouth, in my mind , in my experience and then swallow it and finally digest it, a lot more than when it came in. I even dreamt of them sometimes. Over about 3 years , I have “lived through” about 10-11 words.
Some of these words were, choice, waste, away, forgiveness, freedom, boundary, clarity, poor. I must tell you, I did not choose which words came and stayed – I just noticed that they did.
The strange thing is, when they left, they left completely. It’s a bit difficult to explain, but I don’t have a resonance of those words in my body – anymore. My mind knows their meaning. But I don’t feel them.
For example, the word Waste. I used to be quite an “activist” about not wasting. But as I started to live this word and contemplate on it. I began to see, waste was a notion. A friend would eat everything on his plate because he did not want to waste it. And then often fall sick. Yes we must not throw etc. But there is s as waste, in Nature. The food we ‘throw’ become food for some other animals or insects. Everything becomes something else. We invented the word waste as a strategy to monitor perhaps. But then we forgot its use. People would rather eat and “waste” it inside their body than out.
If we did not have that word we would find use for everything. Like some people in Ladakh still do. Not something, that can be put away out of sight as “waste”. By creating the word we have created waste. Before that they were just things that we did not know what to do. We became lazy and uncreative.
Or, the word “Away” – On One Earth – tell me, where is away? Out of sight maybe, again. We have conveniently created these words to avoid some discomfort perhaps and responsibility to do something, maybe.
These words when fully lived – Disappear for our experience.
There is no need to mention or keep using them . They become part of our system. Said differently – when something is fully completely understood – It disappears.
The corollary is also true. That it continues, in our language means it is still not fully understood and lived and experienced.
For me the current set of repeated words are Grief, Love, Juxtaposed, Feminine and Enough.
I also find words intriguing like an artefact. I look at the etymology, the origin history and it opens so much more. I also love playing with some.
Etymology is the study of the history or words. “Etymology” derives from the Greek word etumos, meaning “True.” By extension, it is the pursuit fi the Truth of that Word.
Some are fun to know, Like the word, Jouska (n.) a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.
Words in and of themselves are just “symbols”. When a word is spoken and used from a different location inside, the word lands differently. We know this, the priest performing the wedding ceremony uses “words”. Before and after the words “I Do” – the ‘reality’ of two people is changed forever. Anyone else saying those same words means nothing.
I find it curious to hear what words people use often with extra emphasis. I can imagine the word missing from their lives in some very significant ways. Some places in their lives where these words have not quite found a place in the body. They still stand out. They have not been taken in. Not invited with curiosity and love.
“The secret of being boring is to say everything.” -Voltaire
I have also had to learn, that not everyone sees the word the way I do, and vice versa. And to leave room for growing. In perceiving, a word from different angles and let it grow inside me. Somedays, I imagine words, like tiny messenger angels. Who come with specific Gifts. Once we receive them they go away.
When words are forgotten – they have become part of us. And we don’t need to use them. They just are.
Perhaps we need to pay more attention to some words and how they live inside of us. What is our relationship with them, where are we still resisting them form opening their essence to us more.
Personally, I had some of my best conversation without words.
A read the story about the little girl who once went to a temple with her mother, and closed her eyes and started to pray. And she just said the entire alphabet – A – Z and then, Amen. The mother is perplexed, and asked why did she not pray? – The girl looks at her mother and says, “I did Pray Mom, those are all the letters I know, so I gave them all to God. I don’t know how to string them into the right words, and form a prayer, but God knows”.
Perhaps we need to really think, How do we know, when are we describing and when are we creating our world with the words we use.
Perhaps we need to go into deeper into the word – Silence.
WORDS
I gave the post-its – For them to write on
I had many – coloured ones
They wrote.
And then I pulled the diaries
When the new ones exhausted, I searched for old ones with in-between empty pages
They got over pretty soon too
I was still calm.
I gave them calendars
There was still some white room left In-between the numbers
The dates gone by should come of some use after all, I thought.
Soon that was not enough,
Panic – little bit
I looked around, brought down book covers, curtains, sheets, window panes..
And soon – I scarped the paint
There were many layers -some had bright colours – some had the faded look
some had drawings I had made long time ago, in pencil
so that I could rub it off…someday
That should wet the appetite for them
I assumed – hoped..
It didn’t.
They looked up, a slightly apologetic look -but firm never-the-less
They were not done
Now in panic I stretched my hand out, one – and then the other – legs
And soon the whole of me was covered
Like with everything else around me .
We paused..
….
….
The World and I
Looked at each other
I now had only one thing left to open and give
My heart.
And I did.
RHEA
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